N.H.S. PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE

By: Lawrence Audini

Hello, you’re through to the N.H.S. mental health help-line.

If you’re an obsessive-compulsive please press 1 repeatedly.

If you’re a co-dependant please get someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities please press 3,4,and 5 now.

If you’re a psychopath please have a stab at 6.

If you’re a paranoid-delusionist we know who you are and where you are, so just stay on the line and we’ll trace you.

If you’re a schizophrenic please listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you’re a manic depressive it’s not worth pressing any number because there’s no one who can help you.

And if you’re suicidal now’s the time to hang up.


(c) L. Audini 2000